Outside
In
As soon as I got home from the funeral I sat down to
write an email. It felt urgent, it felt
like it needed to be done right then. Responding
to one of little man’s therapist felt like I was doing something, something with
purpose. Helpful, I like to be
helpful. She started a music and
movement class to help kids with special needs.
It promotes inclusion and I was so happy to have my son be a part of
it. So yes, I’m responding quickly to
help her because she helped us. Or maybe
to block the pain, maybe to feel better, maybe I was so happy to feel anything
that didn’t involve tears or being too numb to cry.
I ran in the morning to prepare me for the day. Or did I run to erase last night? Coming from a surprise birthday party one
night then to a funeral the next afternoon, how do I do that? I don’t come with a switch. I can’t turn on the proper emotion you’re supposed
to feel. I feel like I’m outside my own
world squinting my eyes, even covering them because I can’t really see. And even if I could there are so many clouds
can I see what I want, or does circumstances tell me what I’m supposed to
see? Ugh! Maybe if I run some more I can shake
this. When does the funk end?
I had a fucked up moment last night. Lying in bed I was thanking God as always for
another day. And every time I go through
the motions of grief I have a need to tell the people who love me to not let
people say “I’m in a better place” if I die before them. This phrase pisses me off! I would not be in a better place. My place is with those who love me. So I’m thanking God and asking him to look
over my friends and family as they too find ways to handle their loss and grief. And in mid-sentence I was asking him to make
sure no one says “better place” but I stopped, oh shit, I’m talking about his
place! I busted out laughing. Well that took an interesting turn. And in my head of prayers I’m stuttering,
ummm ummmm, well I guess I’m not sure what to say here. So I told the big guy he’ll have to keep his
faith in me now and I’ll get back to him on that. But as I’m thinking about this because of
course that was mind fucking, wanting to live is saying this is a better place
for me right? So I’m not dissing heaven
in any way, it’s just my way of saying I want to live.
