Snoozed
twice this morning. 18 minutes and I was so pissed off. So pissed because how
the hell am I going to get everything done today. Another fucking night of no
sleep. Should I workout today, am I even going to be able to. Fuck I'm tired. I
only got out of bed because I need to make sure little man isn't late for
therapy today. I opened my phone thinking I was going to see the norm, good
mornings, fuck you memes, inspirational get fit as fuck quotes and maybe they
were all there but I didn’t notice. All I saw was the txt that a close friend
lost a loved one during the night. All of a sudden nothing seems to matter. Does
it matter? Is the day moving in slow motion? Am I moving in slow motion? This
feeling is so fucked up. Is it a feeling? I don’t feel sad or somber or well, anything.
I feel numb. Numb feels heavy. Is that fucking normal? Doesn’t that defy some
sort of scientific law somewhere? How can numbness feel like anything? Thinking
about all the times I saw him, talked to him, pictures of him on my phone. Grief
is so fucked up. Is it my loss? Or am I grieving because someone close is
suffering? So many degrees and variances of grief but its all so awful. And
there is nothing I can do. Nothing to make any of my friends feels better nothing to make myself feel better so I'm just stuck. Stuck in some sort of degree of
grief but does it matter? At least I’m alive. I mean is that how it’s going to
be for a while? Where I'm more grateful than usual for things? Or I feel like I can’t
complain? Will it be a while? What is a while? I’ve already heard him being
talked about in past tense. God that is so fucked up. If up until his dying day
he’s a good father and good husband, son, brother, grandpa, cant he hold on to
that title? Why do we say he WAS all those things, isn’t he still? Hasn’t he
deserved the right to still be all those great things?
I
don’t even feel tired anymore. 3 hours of sleep feels like something, this
feels like nothing and its worse, so much worse.
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